Hour of Darkness
by Sophia Hawkins
Summary: AU. The events from "All the Proof" and onward never happened and Benny Severide didn't die, but what really happened on a call gone wrong for 51 might prove to be far worse. Warning: Character death.
1. Chapter 1

Hour of Darkness

Kelly Severide stood in the cemetery facing his father's grave. The large granite tombstone marking the spot seemed to tower over him even though it wasn't possible. It had been hard to get through the service, but it had been a beautiful service. He'd spent the days and hours up to the funeral agonizing over how it was going to go, as they'd walked out of the church, he'd felt some sense of relief, but now that it was all finally over, some of the same feelings of uncertainty and the walls closing in on him seemed to return at full force.

How did they get here? How had it come to this? Benny wasn't supposed to be dead. His dad shouldn't be dead. He'd been fine the last time Kelly saw him. Then that call. And it was already over before he'd even gotten to the hospital. How the hell did it happen?

Standing there in the solitude of the dark graveyard, everyone else gone home hours ago, Kelly started replaying in his mind the last conversation he'd had with Benny. His dad had come through for Boden and for everyone at 51, but it had come too late for Kelly to thank him, to apologize for the way he'd talked to him, too late to say _anything_.

He stood by the grave and ran his hand over the smooth top of the stone, strangely enough he actually felt close to Benny in that moment.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

It was barely even a whisper, his voice was almost completely gone.

The words finally out that he'd been holding onto since he arrived at the hospital, Kelly felt his body shaking and felt the tears running down his face. If he had known it would be the last time he'd ever see Benny, he would've done things differently.

"I'm sorry, Dad," he repeated louder, feeling the tremors in his body grow. His knees felt weak, he felt like the ground had just fallen out from under him.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Dad...I'm sorry, Dad."

"Kelly, Kelly, wake up!"

Kelly felt light shining against his eyelids, he opened his eyes quickly, too quickly to actually see anything other than the blinding light over him. His face felt wet, his throat felt sore, and _tired_. He blinked his eyes a few times to adjust to the light, and when he saw who was talking to him, he screamed.

"Kelly, calm down," Benny told his son, "it's okay, you're gonna be alright."

Kelly's eyes roamed around the room and he realized he was at Chicago Med. What was going on? He tried to get up, but his body wouldn't cooperate.

Benny towered over his son and gripped him by the shoulders as he told him, "Just take it easy, Kelly, you're gonna be fine."

"Pop?" Kelly couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Is it really you? You're not dead?"

"Dead?" Benny laughed in surprise. "Certainly not. _You_ on the other hand gave everybody one hell of a scare."

"Wha?" Kelly's brain couldn't focus.

"It's alright, Kelly, the docs already said it's going to take a few days for you to recover from the vent."

"The what?" Kelly asked. Then he realized he knew that raw feeling in his throat, it had happened to him before when he'd been hospitalized.

Kelly rubbed his eyes and wiped the tears from his face as it was slowly starting to occur to him that it must have been a drug induced nightmare.

"I was on a ventilator? What for? What...what happened? Why am I here? Where is everyone?" the words came out weakly, and every single one hurt, but the pain couldn't trump Severide's need to know the truth.

"Don't get excited," Benny told him as he sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at his son. "They're all out in the waiting room, they've been in to see you already. You've been going in and out of consciousness since they took you off the vent this morning. Kelly, you were in an accident, but the docs said you'll make a full recovery."

"Acciden'? What kind of accident?"

"You don't need to worry about that now," Benny told him.

Kelly tiredly blinked his eyes and thought to ask, "Pop, what're you doing here?"

Benny looked mildly surprised.

"They called me."

Kelly shook his head. "You're no' my emergency contact."

"I know that."

"Then who...Boden?"

"It doesn't matter, Kelly, I'm here, you're going to be alright, that's what matters."

"Why'd you come?" Kelly asked as he felt his eyes fall shut again.

There was a paused silence.

"Just rest, Kelly, you'll be fine," Benny told him, and watched as his son was suddenly out cold again.

* * *

"Kelly doesn't know?" Casey asked the other firefighters who were gathered in the hall, watching the fight taking place in the enclosed room through the glass door.

"I don't think he's been conscious enough to take it all in yet," Tony answered.

All the guys from Truck and Squad stood around and watched as Boden and Grissom stood in the empty hospital room and yelled at each other, though none of the sound came through the closed door, but based on the two men's movements and gestures towards each other, it was a safe bet that the conversation was not doing well.

"How long do you think they can keep it up?" Cruz asked.

"Long enough," Otis turned and saw the retired smoke eater coming down the hall, "Benny, how's Kelly?"

"He'll be fine, have they come out yet?" Benny pointed to the two men screaming behind the glass.

"Nope," Casey shook his head.

Benny nodded and said only, "I'm going in."

"This ought to get interesting," Herrmann commented to Mouch, who merely nodded in response.

Benny slid the door open, his sudden presence ending the argument long enough that nobody heard anything before the door closed, and once it did, the fight started again, this time with three firefighters yelling at each other, though now it looked like Boden and Benny were tag teaming on Grissom and really letting him have it.

"I thought Severide's dad and Grissom were old pals," Cruz mentioned.

"Send an incompetent moron in to 51 to replace the chief and almost gets his kid killed, friendship only goes so far," Herrmann guessed.

"Who's going to tell Severide what happened with Gorsch?" Otis asked. He turned to their captain, who merely shook his head in response.

"Think he's up to any visitors yet?" Tony asked.

"Yeah, but who wants to miss the fight of the century?" Capp gestured to the three men in the next room who all looked about ready to take each other's heads off.

"I wish we could hear what they're saying," Otis commented.

"Oh somehow I doubt that," Cruz replied watching the tempers visibly flare through the glass.

"Besides, I think we all got a rough idea what they're saying to each other," Herrmann added.

"Still, Severide shouldn't be alone," Otis turned away from the melee and faced the captain. "Casey?"

Matt stood with his feet planted shoulder length apart, his arms tightly crossed to his chest, and just shook his head and walked off.

"This whole thing is a mess," Otis said as he turned back to watch the fight.

"At least Severide's gonna be okay, that has to count for something," Herrmann said, and the gravity of his words were equally felt by everyone else in the hallway.

Otis heard somebody heading their way and saw Casey doubling back with a strange look on his face.

"What is it, Casey?" he asked. Then he got his answer when he saw who was following Matt.

Everybody turned at the sight of Sergeant Hank Voight from the 21st District.

"How's Severide doing?" he asked.

"They took him off the vent this morning but he's still pretty out of it," Herrmann answered. "What're you doing here?"

"We found out something," he said, and then seemed to notice the fight going on across the hall. He jabbed a finger in the general direction of the three firefighters having at it and asked, "How long they been like that?"

"Chief and Grissom been going at each other's throats for 20 minutes, Severide's dad just jumped in with them," Herrmann answered.

"Well now it's gonna be a foursome," Voight said as he pushed his way past the firefighters, slid the door open, stepped in, and joined in the heated conversation.

"What do you think that's about?" Cruz asked as they watched as Voight got in the middle of all of them, and first seemed to address everybody in general, then Boden specifically, then turned and based on his hand movements, started laying into Grissom about something, who looked like he could've been knocked over with a feather and scrambled to hold his own with the Intelligence sergeant.

"I don't know, but I think things are gonna get worse," Otis said.

"Is that even possible?" Mouch asked.

"Unfortunately I think so."

* * *

Kelly slept through the night, though he was the only one. Benny sat watch in the hospital room and every so often someone else would make the rounds just to make sure nothing had developed. Every time Benny looked out the door, he could see Matt Casey pacing around the hall outside, but he wouldn't come in. He hadn't been able to bring himself to enter Severide's room since he'd been brought to the hospital. Instead he took it upon himself to be the messenger, to make the rounds and get updates from the doctors and come back with the news. Benny knew it was just an excuse to avoid standing still for too long and having to actually think about what was happening.

"Benny."

The former firefighter turned at the voice. "Sergeant Voight, I thought you were done here, after you ripped Grissom a new one."

"I understand you two are friends."

"Well...after this week I'm definitely reconsidering," Benny said as he sat in the chair next to Kelly.

"How's he doing?" Voight moved over towards the bed.

"Been out of it for a few hours...he still doesn't know what happened. I've been delivering bad news to people for 40 years...I'm not sure how I'm gonna tell him," the elder Severide admitted. "It's still wait and see right now."

"What'd the docs say?" Voight asked as he looked down at the firefighter who was a mess of bruises and gashes and burns, and completely unaware of all of it.

"Said he should make a full recovery...figure it's going to take him about a month to full recover from the vent, by then the worst of the rest should be done as well." Benny looked at Voight and told him, "I knew what we were dealing with every day on the job, and as dangerous as I knew it was, I wanted him to be just like me. I was thrilled when he said he wanted to join CFD..." Benny's voice dropped a couple notches as he added, not proudly, "I knew that this could happen..." he shrugged, "you just don't think about it much, it's a job we gotta do, gotta take that risk...actually seeing it...and it's my son...that's one of the worst things I've ever witnessed. They didn't know the first couple days if he'd get off the vent, if there was brain damage...all because of Grissom, my old friend," he sneered the last words. He turned in the chair towards Voight and asked him, "Anything going to happen with him?"

"Far as we can tell, what happened is Jerry Gorsch's mess...Grissom's only accountable for putting him in your house to begin with, but I don't think he knew what was going to happen."

Benny grunted, "Guess that's something." He stood up and paced over towards the door, and saw Casey coming down the hall and practically zombie walked over towards the room. The Truck captain looked at him through the glass door and grimly shook his head, his eyes wide with revelation. Benny felt a rock forming in his stomach at this confirmation. He merely nodded in understanding and watched as the blonde man turned and walked off.

"I guess it's all moot now anyway," Benny told the cop.

Voight gazed down at Severide and asked the father, "When he's lucid, you want me to tell him what happened?"

Benny shook his head. "No...I'll do it...I owe him that much."

"I know this is a difficult time for everybody at 51," Voight said. "If there's anything I or anyone in my unit can do..."

Benny nodded. "I appreciate it, Sergeant Voight, but I don't think there's anything that...anyone can do."


	2. Chapter 2

Severide felt his eyes were closed and didn't try to open them yet, but for some reason he felt he needed to say something. He wasn't even sure what but he felt his dry lips part and heard himself murmuring something incoherent even to him. It sounded to him like he was trying to talk to someone, but he didn't know who, or what, but once his mouth opened he started rambling and didn't feel he could stop.

A soft hand touched his forehead, there was a familiar scent, and a voice he knew, but even that wasn't enough to bring him around right away.

"Wake up, Kelly."

That voice, he knew that voice, he knew that he knew that voice, but it escaped him. He forced his eyes open and saw his mom standing over him.

"Mo-o-m?" he croaked out.

He knew that look on her face. She was doing her best to pretend everything was fine, but underneath he could tell she was scared to death.

"How're you feeling, Kelly?" she asked, trying to be reassuring for his sake.

Severide tried to answer but it felt like his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. After a couple tries the one thing he was finally able to get out was, "Thirsty..."

"Okay, just hang on," she said as she moved to get him some water.

"Do you know what day it is?" another voice had him turning his head to look to the other side of the bed, where Benny was seated right beside him.

"Dad?" Kelly felt his eyes widen. He alternated looking at both of his parents and asked, "Wha's going on?"

"It's okay, Kelly, drink this," his mom said as she handed him a paper cup of water.

Kelly drank it faster than he should've and his stomach was already rebelling, but he emptied the cup and asked again, "What's going on? Mom, what're you..." he looked at them again, "what're either of you doing here?"

"You gave us a real scare, Kelly," Benny told him.

Kelly still didn't have any idea what they meant, but he looked at his mom, and his dad, and back again, and commented tiredly and lightly, "If I'd known getting hurt would get you two back together, I'd have jumped off the roof when I was 10."

Jennifer stroked over his head and calmly told him, "You _did_, Kelly."

"Oh..." he leaned back against the pillows and asked his folks, "What happened?"

"You were on a call," Benny explained, "there was a gas leak...and then there was an explosion...you were buried under the rubble for a while but they got you out."

Kelly shook his head. "I don't remember...why can't I remember?"

"It was a horrible thing, Kelly, you're better off if you don't remember," Jennifer told him.

"The docs said it'll come back gradually," Benny interjected, "just be patient."

Kelly's eyes shifted from one side to the other, looking at both of his parents, and asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," both were too quick to reassure him.

"You're lying," Kelly accused as he sat up. "What's wrong? What happened? What aren't you telling me?"

His mom took in a small breath and started to talk, "Kelly-"

Benny raised a hand and took it from there, "When you're recovered enough to get out of here, we're going to talk about something, but it's nothing you need to worry about now."

Kelly looked at both of his parents with confused eyes. "Well you guys are already divorced, how much worse could it get?"

His mom got out a nervous laugh as she leaned over and hugged him.

"Nothing like that, Kelly...although..." Benny looked over at his ex.

"Not on your life, Benjamin Severide," she remarked, "I know better than to get burned twice."

Kelly knew that something was wrong, but he knew his parents weren't about to tell him, and though he knew there wasn't anything he could do but wait to find out what was going on, he still wasn't able to fully enjoy their company, knowing they were keeping something from him, and wondering what it was.

* * *

Jennifer had gotten a hotel room in the city and left when it started to get dark, promising she'd be back the next morning to see how Kelly was doing.

"Aren't you going too?" Kelly asked his dad, who was the only one still in the room.

Benny looked out the glass door and saw Casey pacing around aimlessly again. He motioned for the captain to come in, and Casey saw it, but he shook his head in silent response and just continued pacing.

"Nah, I'm gonna stay tonight," Benny answered as he turned around. "The guys from 51 would like to come in and see you when you're up to it."

"Where are they?"

"They've been rotating, some of them are here now."

"Send them in," Kelly said.

Benny turned towards his son and told him, "I'll go round them up."

Kelly closed his eyes, and the next thing he knew, the guys from Squad and Otis and Herrmann were standing over him.

"Hey," he said groggily.

"How you doing, Severide?" Herrmann asked.

"Fine..." he looked around the room and asked, "Where's Casey? And where's Stella? ...Where're the others?"

"They had to go home for a bit but they'll be back later," Herrmann said assuredly.

Severide confessed, "Head's still foggy, I still don't remember what happened."

"There's not much to remember," Herrmann said before anybody else could speak up, "just a typical day on 2nd Watch where nothing typical happens. Not the first gas explosion we've had."

"Yeah..." it still bothered Kelly that he couldn't remember. For that matter, he hadn't really thought about what the last thing he _could_ remember was, and he wondered how much of his memory was being blocked.

"You're looking good, Kelly," Tony spoke up.

Severide looked at his men, not really sure what to make of that, but finally he said, "Well yeah, who doesn't look better off the damn ventilator?"

There was a small laugh among them, but Kelly could tell something was off. He had to give it to them, they were a little better prepped at acting natural than his parents had been. But he had a good idea they wouldn't tell him what was going on anymore than his mom and dad had either. But, Benny had said he'd been on the vent for 4 days...4 days? Holy crap, what day did that mean this was then? He couldn't think. Even Benny had said he gave them a hell of a scare, they must've thought he was going to die on that call. But that wasn't exactly a first either, so why...but 4 days? So he'd had to be in pretty bad shape for a while, well...no wonder everybody was so freaked out then...but he was better now, wasn't he? Or was he? For that matter, the doctor hadn't really told him what was wrong with him, just checked his injuries and vitals and said he'd check in again later. _What_ was everyone keeping from him?

* * *

Kelly woke up screaming.

Benny had been half asleep in the chair next to the bed, he shot up and prepared himself for what he'd been expecting.

"What is it, Kelly? What's wrong?"

Kelly writhed and shook in the bed as he raised his hands to his face, trying to block out the memory of the dream.

_"Tell Boden I had to go to Med. Benny had a stroke."_

_"I'm sorry, we did everything we could. Your father passed away 10 minutes ago."_

_"What?"_

"Kelly! What is it?"

Kelly heard the voice and thought he was losing it. He lowered his hands and saw Benny standing over him.

"Pop?"

"That's right, Kelly," Benny nodded, "I'm here, what was it?"

"I..."

Kelly's eyes widened as an explosion ruptured in his ears.

_"Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambo 61, possible gas leak-"_

"Oh God..." now things were starting to come back.

_"We've got six stories and nobody bothered to evacuate?" Kelly asked in disbelief as he stared up at the building that was in the center of the possible leak._

_A neighbor who'd come out to see what the commotion was about explained. People in the other buildings on the block were in the process of running out though it looked like most of them had already gotten out before they arrived. "The landlord doesn't speak Spanish and most of the occupants don't know English, he comes around once a month to get the rent and that's about it."_

_"If this thing goes up we're looking at dozens of fatalities."_

_And Boden hadn't been there. Instead that idiot Gorsch had announced he would be supervising 51 on their calls while Boden had to wait it out back at the station house._

_"Nobody goes in until we know if there's a leak or not," he'd told them._

_"To hell with that, we need to get those people out __now__ before something happens," Kelly defied him. _

_Everybody made quick work of ignoring anything Gorsch said and divided up into checking the gas main and going into the building and bringing people out. The building's own gas line was secure, but there was an overwhelming smell in the air and the rest of the block had to be checked to find the leak, and the apartment complex still had to be evacuated incase there was an explosion, and above all else the priority was to work fast, but not create a panic since that's how people died. Otis raised the aerial and Cruz went in on the top floor since he could communicate with the tenants and it'd be quicker to get them out the window one and two at a time than everybody running down the stairs at once in a panic and somebody getting trampled to death. Severide, Casey, Kidd and Mouch went in the front and pounded on doors, looking for anyone who knew English and who could translate to the tenants who didn't, they could evacuate far quicker if people left of their own volition instead of kicking and screaming as the firemen dragged them out by sheer force. They'd found a couple bilingual people who helped clear up the communication barrier with the residents of the first three floors while Cruz got everybody on the top three to go to the sixth floor with him and everybody climb down the ladder one at a time. In all, 36 tenants were evacuated, and the floors were swept to make sure nobody had been left behind, then the aerial had been lowered again and the firefighters proceeded to sweep the rest of the block, leaving no stone unturned.  
_

_And when Severide walked out the front door, Gorsch had been there looking like he'd been sucking on a lemon since birth._

_"What do you think you're doing?" he demanded to know._

_"Our __job__, saving people, remember that part of working in CFD?" Kelly sniped at him._

_"Maybe your chief puts up with this kind of insubordination but I can promise you that I will-"_

_"We don't have time for this, get out of the way so we can do our jobs," Kelly told him as he headed over to the next lot to see if everybody had been evacuated from there as well._

_"You seem to forget that it was your dad's friend Grissom who personally assigned me to 51 and I'm going to-"_

_"Get-out-of-the-way!" Kelly screamed at him, ready to knock the deputy commissioner flat on his ass with a Halligan._

_Gorsch never shut up and continued on his tirade, "The commissioner is going to get a full report from me and when I'm done with 51, Wallace Boden won't even be able to-"_

_There was nothing after that, except a deafening explosion that knocked Severide on the ground and scattered debris blown off one corner of the building rained down on him._

_Severide heard static on his radio but he couldn't hear anyone talking, he couldn't see anyone. The front yard he'd just been standing in looked like a war zone, above him all he saw was black smoke pouring up from somewhere, and bright orange flames that climbed higher and higher. A pile of rubble blocked his view of the street or any of the other firefighters, all he saw, as he turned around, was another body in turnout gear rolled on its side facing away from him._

_"Gorsch!"_

_Kelly crawled over to the assistant deputy commissioner and turned him over. His helmet was gone, half of his face was covered in blood, part of his turnout gear looked like it had melted, or just been torn off by the blast, he wasn't breathing. Kelly pulled off his glove and felt Gorsch's neck, there was a pulse, barely. Kelly radioed for help and proceeded to perform CPR on Gorsch. His blood was pounding in his ears but he could hear Casey on the radio, "On my way, Severide, hang in there!"_

_He didn't know how long it took, but Casey didn't get there. There was another explosion, and Kelly felt his whole body bombarded with debris and rubble that was burying him, burying __both__ of them, he realized, alive. He did the best he could to keep doing chest compressions as everything caved in on them, then something heavy hit him in the back of the neck, and everything went black._

Sometime during his flashback, Kelly started crying, now that the whole memory had played itself out, his whole body was shaking and he was sobbing in large heaving gulps for air.

Benny knew that the moment they'd dreaded had finally come.

"They dug you out in a few minutes, rushed you here," Benny told him, "we spent 4 days waiting for you to regain consciousness. Docs said you could go either way, of course I told them they were full of crap."

"Gorsch? What happened to him?" Kelly asked.

The look in his father's eyes told him everything he needed to know.

"I'm sorry, Kelly," Benny said after his son let out an anguished cry, one that every firefighter knew, the pain of the failure to save someone, no matter who it was. "He was in a coma and he died last night. I know how it sounds, but we were all hoping he'd pass before you woke up, it wouldn't be fair to give you any false hope."

"No...no..." Kelly groaned as he writhed on the bed in hopeless frustration.

"Kelly, look at me," Benny grabbed his wrists firmly, "you did everything you could to save him. You didn't fail, Kelly, this _isn't_ on you."

"I didn't want him to die," Kelly tearfully tried to explain, "I hated him, but I didn't want him to die."

"I know that, Kelly, everybody knows it," Benny told him. "Kelly, you guys got everybody out of the building in time, they're all alive and safe because of what you did."

Kelly shook his head, sobbing, "It's not enough, it's not enough."

Benny gathered his grown son in his arms and held him tight and felt every tremor running through Kelly's body reverberate against his. "It's alright, son, everything's going to be alright."


	3. Chapter 3

Kelly finally fell asleep around 5 o' clock in the morning. Benny stood up to stretch his legs, heard something in his back pop as he stretched his arms over his head, walked over towards the door, and saw Casey pacing around the hall again. Didn't that guy ever sleep? He lightly tapped on the glass to get the captain's attention, and when Casey turned towards the door, Benny motioned for Casey to come inside, but once again, Matt just shook his head and wandered off, though he didn't go far. Benny knew _why_ Casey didn't want to come in, but he seriously wondered how long the captain could put it off.

Later that morning when Kelly was awake, Benny went to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee to assist in keeping his eyes open, and on the way he ran into Boden.

"Wallace."

"How's Kelly doing?"

"He finally remembered what happened last night, he's taking it pretty hard right now," Benny answered as they walked down the corridor. "He still only knows _half_ of the story, and the shape he's in, Gorsch's death has to settle before I tell him the rest."

Boden shook his head grimly.

"On behalf of my jackass friend, Grissom, Wallace, I want to apologize for this whole mess," Benny told him. "If I thought that anything like this could've happened..."

"This isn't on you, Benny," Wallace responded. "Nobody could've seen this coming."

"Oh no? Didn't you predict he'd get himself and everyone else killed if he ever made it as a fireman?" Benny asked.

"Not exactly, but I knew he didn't belong in CFD, and he couldn't let go of that."

"And now he's dead and nearly took my son with him because he couldn't get a life," Benny said defensively, "and..." he shook his head, unable to finish the sentence. "When Kelly finds out what happened to Stella...this is going to kill him."

Boden looked Benny dead in the eyes and told him, "I'm proud of Kelly for doing everything he could to save Gorsch's life...but I'm glad that self righteous prick is dead, otherwise I'd have to kill him myself."

Benny nodded in understanding. "I would've helped...and I know someone who'd know where to put the body."

"Sergeant Voight?"

"I...knew him back in my smoke eating days, before he made it into the gang unit."

" 'Light a match, keep the hoses dry', I remember," Boden recollected Benny's story about how they solved the problem of drug dens in his day, "When you said that, it sounded like something Voight would do."

"He knew what favors to call in to keep the arson squad off our backs, we were protecting the neighborhoods."

"20 years later he's trying to kill my lieutenant," Boden pointed out.

"Hey Wallace, we got sons...what would we do for them?" Benny asked.

Wallace slowly inhaled as he thought about it. "I'll get back to you on that."

* * *

Hank Voight paid a visit to Kelly's room later that day.

"Severide, how you doing?" he asked.

Kelly was physically and emotionally drained after last night and though his eyes were open he seemed half asleep. "What're you doing here, Voight?"

"I thought I'd let you know what we found out about the explosion," Voight told him.

That got the Squad lieutenant's attention. "Why's Intelligence investigating a gas leak?"

"Because there was nothing accidental about it," Voight answered.

"What?"

"We pulled the security cameras on the block, picked up footage of somebody running from the lot where the leak originated from, a couple hours before 51 got the call. Took a while but we matched the face with a name, and a rap sheet. Guy's name is Lorenzo Burnett, been in and out of Cook County a half dozen times, just so happens he was also a distant cousin of Jerry Gorsch."

Kelly's eyes widened, "What?"

Voight nodded.

"Wait..." Kelly tried to put the pieces together, "Gorsch _arranged_ that?"

"Seems so."

"Gorsch set that up? He...he was willing to _kill_ people to get back at Boden?"

"Doesn't say much for having a one track mind."

"So...when he said nobody go in to evacuate...he _knew_ the place was gonna blow?"

"And knew it'd look very bad for Firehouse 51 if it was found out the firemen stood outside and did nothing and let 30 people die. Probably figured that'd be a sure way to get rid of Boden, can't sweep bad press like that under the rug."

"Then why didn't he get out of the way when we came out?" Kelly asked.

"Well your chief has clued me in that this guy was not too bright, overeager, full of himself," Voight said. "Remember those old cartoons with the bomb attached to a piano key? Only nobody plays the notes right, so the bomber does it himself to show how it's done, and _he's_ the one blown up and he's the one that put the bomb there...same thing, Gorsch couldn't let go of the fact that nobody at 51 was going to listen to him. Instead of hauling ass, he stepped right in his own grave."

"Oh my God," Kelly barely whispered.

"So I understand you took his death pretty hard given your efforts to save him," Voight told Kelly, "which are commendable, but given you put your life on the line to save his neck, I figured you were entitled to know what really happened."

Kelly groaned and cupped his hands over his eyes and forehead as he took this information in.

"I'm very sorry, Kelly, about _everything_," Voight said, not oblivious to the glare he was getting from Benny. "I'll see you around." With that, the Intelligence sergeant backed out of the hospital room.

Kelly continued to groan tiredly and helplessly as he tried to make sense of what he'd just learned.

"Gorsch...was actually going to kill the people in that building?" Kelly asked. "That doesn't make sense."

"Nothing he did makes sense," Benny pointed out. "And yes, Grissom found out about it, and no, as far as we can tell, Grissom didn't know anything about it, neither did the commissioner. I know it's hard to accept, Kelly, but we've seen it before...you remember Hadley."

Kelly's groan raised a decibel. How had he forgotten? He really thought he knew the guys working under him in Squad, but he had been dead wrong about Hadley.

"So..." he lowered his hands and looked at his dad, "This is what you were keeping from me."

"We wanted to see if you'd remember on your own," Benny told him. "If so, we couldn't see any point in breaking the news to you sooner than was necessary."

Kelly leaned his head back and looked up at the ceiling and shook his head.

"I don't believe it...and I tried to save him?"

"You couldn't stand by for anybody, Kelly, no matter how much of a prick they were, that's our job," Benny told him. "We don't get to pick who we save, you know that."

Kelly thought for a minute, then asked, "Where's Casey? He should've been here by now. He wasn't here last night."

"Matt's...having a hard time dealing with what happened," Benny explained. "He'll be around soon."

"But everybody else is alright?" Kelly asked.

Benny tried to look reassuring. "Kelly, all you need to focus on right now is getting better. They're going to take you to physical therapy soon."

"Physical therapy? I'm fine."

"Nobody spends 4 days on the vent and comes away 'fine', Kelly, you have to work back to 'fine'."

* * *

Benny made his way through the corridors, and he came upon Casey, fidgeting, his eyes shifting around, looking like a junkie in withdrawal.

"What happened?" Benny asked.

Casey rubbed his hand on his bicep nervously, "I saw them taking Kelly out...I didn't want to see him."

"No, you didn't want _him_ to see _you_," Benny corrected him. "You can't avoid him forever, Matt."

"I can't tell him what happened, he's going to hate me," Casey told him.

And there was the driving force of what had kept the captain pacing around the hospital, sheer terror.

"He needs to know the truth, Matt," Benny said.

"I know, but he's not going to want to see me," Casey replied.

"He's asking to see you now."

"That's because he doesn't know. He blamed me for Andy's death and he's going to blame me for what happened to Stella," Casey was all but petrified as he explained.

"He's not going to do that," Benny said.

Casey got out a short, bitter laugh. "You don't know your son very well."

"Matt, have you even slept since we came in here?" Benny asked him.

"I'm sorry, Benny, I can't tell him, I can't see him."

"_I_ can tell him what happened, but you need to talk to him."

"I can't."

"Then what're you doing here?" Benny asked. "You've hardly left this hospital in the last six days."

Casey's hands were shaking as he told Kelly's father, "I just can't see him...I'm sorry."

And with that he turned and stormed off down the hall.


	4. Chapter 4

That night Kelly was lying in the hospital bed, but he wasn't asleep and wasn't anywhere near it. He kept looking at his father every so often, finally Benny asked him, "What?"

Kelly tried to explain. "Before I remembered the explosion, I'd been having this recurring nightmare...and it was so real...I came to you asking for help to get rid of Gorsch, and you called me and said 'I got something, let's meet somewhere and I'll tell you'. And I go, but you don't show up, and I figure 'well he's stood me up again'. And then I get a call from Med, saying you'd had a stroke. I get there, and they tell me I'm too late, that you'd just died 10 minutes before...and our last conversation..." Benny saw Kelly's cheeks turning red and his eyes welling up with tears and heard his voice choking and breaking as he continued, "I said something horrible to you...and I never got a chance to apologize...I'm sorry, Pop, I'm so sorry..." the memories had become too real again for Kelly to distinguish between the two.

"Kelly, calm down," Benny told him. "It was just a dream, and with the drugs they've been pumping into you that's no big surprise."

"It was all so real, your funeral..."

"But it's not real, Kelly, I'm right here, you can see that," Benny said. "And let's face it, odds are whatever our last words to each other will be, will leave something to be desired."

Kelly choked on a small laugh over his tears. He tried to manage a smile but didn't make it. "I love you, Pop."

"I love you, Kelly," Benny hugged his son, then pulled back, and his own expression had suddenly grown very solemn. "But there's something else we need to talk about."

"What?"

Benny sat down, and slowly explained, "When you and Gorsch were trapped in the explosion...Casey was making his way over to help you, but Stella charged ahead of him. He ordered her to stand down, he would do it...but she wouldn't listen and ran on ahead. And...when the second explosion went off...the others ran over as fast as they could to dig you and Gorsch out...Casey ran over to Stella and tried to resuscitate her..." Kelly's bloodshot eyes started spilling over with a fresh batch of tears as he realized what his father was telling him. "He did everything he could, Kelly, he did compressions until the ambulance got there, they did them all the way to Med, Casey begged the doctor not to call it, to keep trying, and they did, for an hour...I'm sorry." Benny shook his head. "There wasn't anything that anyone could do."

Kelly felt a hiccuping spasm deep in his chest and he dropped his head on his dad's shoulder and broke down sobbing.

"They already had her funeral, Kelly...her family wanted it done as soon as possible. Casey's been in this hospital since they brought you in, that was about the only time he left, he met with the family, pleaded with them to hold off so you could attend when you were better, he explained to them how important you were to her...but they wouldn't agree to it. He went in your place. He's done everything he could, Kelly." Benny felt his son trembling in his arms. "I know you're hurting, Kelly, but it's important you don't take this out on Matt...he's been here all week, waiting for every update about your condition...but he blames himself for what happened to Stella. That's why he hasn't been in to see you, this has about killed him too."

Severide wasn't even at a point where words were a possibility for him. He held onto his dad and cried until he'd lost the strength to even do that.

* * *

Kelly had fallen asleep a couple hours ago, Benny finally felt it was safe to get up from the chair and move about the room. His back protested either from sitting in the chair all night or from finally getting up, either way it was angry at him. He groaned under his breath and moved over towards the door. There was Casey again, his arms folded, aimlessly pacing back and forth.

Benny knocked on the glass, once again Casey looked his way. Benny curled his finger in signal for Casey to come inside. Casey stayed where he was and just shook his head. Benny tried again, his finger was more determined this time. Casey grimly shook his head again. Benny raised his arm two feet higher and curled his finger again, as if gesturing to something or someone over Casey's head. Casey turned to see what Benny was motioning to but before he could turn around, Voight came up behind him and there was a brief struggle between the two men before Voight got Casey in a half nelson and forcibly marched the Truck captain towards the door, which Benny slid open so the two men could enter.

"Let me go!" Casey said in an aggravated whisper as he struggled against Voight's hold on him. "I can't see him, I can't."

"Casey, calm down," Voight said as he tightened his grip on Casey, which quickly took all the fight out of him. He slowly let go of the captain and the two older men stood on either side of him, making it very difficult for him to try and make a break for it.

"Matt, he knows," Benny told him. "You have to talk to him."

Casey looked away from the man laying in the hospital bed and shook his head frantically.

From the bed, Severide half opened one eye, then tried again and got it fully open, then the other, and he saw the people in the room.

"Casey," he said weakly as he moved to sit up. All three men turned and looked at him.

All the color drained from Matt Casey's face.

A strong hand gripped his shoulder and he heard Benny's voice whisper to him, "You got this, Matt." And he felt rather than heard the presence of the retired fireman and the cop withdraw from the room and heard the door slide shut behind him.

Little by little Kelly came around and when he finally did, he motioned for Casey to come over to him and told him, "Get over here, you know I can't come to you yet."

There were no readable emotions in his voice. Every instinct in Casey's body was telling him to run, but instead he forced his feet to step forward. As he got halfway to the bed, he opened his mouth to take in a breath but instead he heard a small sob escape from him. Kelly sat up in the bed with a determined look on his face as he waited for Matt to get closer towards him, in the bright lights of the room he could see Casey's eyes glistening with tears that had suddenly come on and were already making their way from his eyes down his face, another sob rose up from his chest, and another, and another. Kelly looked at him with an unreadable expression on his face, but finally, just as the captain stood right beside his bed, Severide opened his arms and against his better judgment, Casey fell into them openly crying.

"I'm sorry, Kelly," he choked out as he hugged his friend in return. "I'm so sorry, I did everything I could..."

"I know," Kelly calmly replied as he held his friend tight.

"I told her to stand down, that I would get you out."

"I know."

"I tried to save her."

"Matt, I know you did," Kelly calmly explained, "I'm not blaming you for what happened." After what he'd just been through the previous day, how _could_ he?

But it was obvious that Casey still blamed himself. Kelly felt his best friend go limp in his arms and his body sagged against him like a pile of jelly. He patted Casey's arm and told him, "Come here," and half pulled, half guided Casey over the rail and onto the bed with him.

Casey clung tightly to Severide and given their awkward positions in the bed, pressed his head against Kelly's chest as he bawled his eyes out.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I tried, I begged the doctor not to stop..."

"Hey, shh, shh, it's okay, Casey, I know," Kelly softly responded.

"I _told_ her to stay back...but she loved you..."

"Casey, it's not your fault, I know that," Kelly told him. He raised one hand from Matt's back and carefully stroked over the back of his head.

Casey was sucking in breaths as fast as he could and losing them even faster. "Her-her family wouldn't let the funeral wait...they-they went ahead and b-b-buried her...I tried to talk to them, I tried to get them to wait, so you could go and-and at least say goodbye...they wouldn't wait...I'm sorry, Kelly."

Kelly tightened his hold on Casey, "Matt, none of this is your fault.'

But Casey was inconsolable, he stayed latched on to Kelly and cried as his whole body trembled against the lieutenant's. Kelly realized this was the first time since Stella's death that Casey had even been able to process what happened, let alone actually grieve. Six days, he'd been carrying all this around with him for six days and hadn't had an outlet for any of it...and even now he hadn't wanted to deal with what had happened, how much longer could he possibly have kept it up? Kelly leaned his head down and lightly kissed Casey on the side of his head as his friend lay against him and wept.

"Matt, listen to me, I _know_ you did everything you could, I don't blame you for what happened. There wasn't anything you could do." It killed him to admit it, and he felt his own eyes stinging with tears again as he thought about the fact that Stella was gone and never coming back and he was never going to see her again, but he knew that Casey needed to hear it.

"It's going to be okay, Casey," Kelly wasn't sure if he was lying or not, but he knew Casey needed something to believe in, "it's going to be alright."

* * *

A couple hours later, Benny and Voight returned to Casey's room but stayed outside the door and looked in. Kelly and Matt had both fallen asleep in the hospital bed holding onto each other, either before or after the fact Kelly had pulled the sheet over both of them. The cop and the former firefighter stood outside the room and talked to each other while looking through the glass, though their conversation couldn't be heard from inside the room. After a while the two older men gazed in at the two younger men, almost looking like a couple of fathers seeing their kids in the maternity ward. Where they were concerned, the worst of the crisis must be past, as they talked to one another eventually they both smiled at the sight before them, then finally they turned and walked away, leaving the two best friends alone to rest.


	5. Chapter 5

It was early in the morning, too early for the nurse to come in and check on him, Kelly knew that much. He'd been going in and out of sleep for a while, but Casey had been in a pretty dead sleep all night once he'd actually fallen asleep. There had been a few instances where Kelly woke up because he heard Casey crying, but those had all been while he was still asleep, and in fact there hadn't been anymore tears to accompany them, only small dry sobs, and very likely he'd have no memory of it wen he finally woke up. Through the night, Casey had never let go of Severide, even now he weakly had two handfuls of Kelly's hospital gown in his hands as his head rose and fell with the movements of Kelly's chest under it.

Kelly still couldn't fully come to terms with how long Casey had been walking around holding onto all his guilt for his failure to save Stella after the explosion. But he knew that's what Casey did best, he never let on when something was eating him up, not if he could help it, and he definitely assumed even more of a stance in that regard since he'd made captain.

Severide stroked a hand over Casey's hair, then pulled it back when he realized how oily it was, no doubt Casey had cleaned himself up for the funeral, but after that it had been back to the hospital where he did...what? Just roamed the halls all day?

Finally he decided there was no point in delaying the inevitable.

"Come on, Casey, time to get up," he told the man sleeping on top of him.

Casey groaned and pressed himself tighter against Kelly, not wanting to get up and face the day.

"Come on, Matt," Kelly tried again, "it's morning."

Casey very slowly opened his eyes and looked up at Kelly, and he looked terrible. It had been Benny's guess that Casey hadn't slept since Severide had been admitted to the hospital, and if that was true, the few hours he'd slept last night hadn't done him much good. But Kelly was hoping now that the air had been cleared that Casey would feel able to go home and get some rest.

Matt groaned and raised a hand to his head, trying to rouse himself.

"You feeling better?" Kelly asked.

Casey shook his head.

Kelly managed a small smile. "Go on home and get some sleep."

Casey softly groaned and instead laid back down and pressed his head against Kelly's shoulder.

"Hey, I appreciate you staying here all this time, but I'm going to be fine, Matt," Kelly told him. "Go on home and take care of you now."

Casey sat up again, tiredly blinked his eyes, and somberly nodded in agreement. He held onto the rail as he swung his legs over and stood up, then took two steps and fell flat on the floor.

"Casey?" Kelly propped himself up in the bed to see what had happened.

Kelly thought he had to be in a nightmare as he watched Casey's body writhing around on the floor in convulsions. He ripped out the IV he was hooked up to and hopped out of the bed and crouched on the floor beside Matt just as he flopped against the tile unconscious.

Kelly hadn't been aware he was screaming until he heard the door slide open and saw his dad running in.

"What is it, Kelly? What happened?"

"I don't know!" Kelly heard the terror in his voice and hardly even recognized it as his own.

The noise had brought a nurse running, who was screaming out orders, several people came in, Kelly and Benny had to get back so they could examine Casey, who was loaded onto a gurney and wheeled out of the room in a short amount of time.

"What's going on? Where're they taking him?" Kelly helplessly asked. He turned to his father and explained, "He was fine last night, what happened?"

* * *

It was a while before Will Halstead entered the room to speak to both Severides.

"What's wrong with Casey?" Kelly asked as soon as the redheaded doctor stepped in.

Will looked at the two firefighters and answered, "Hypovolemic shock."

"What's that?"

"That's when the body loses too much fluid to keep the heart pumping enough blood through your body, not enough oxygen goes through the body and the blood pressure plummets...usually we see this with traumatic wounds where there's massive blood loss, and we'd tried to examine Matt Casey following the explosion but he refused treatment. But we got our chance to fully examine him now and he didn't sustain any injuries in the explosion."

"Then what caused it?" Benny asked.

"Severe dehydration," Will answered. "It's really not uncommon, we see quite a few patients with it who don't realize how quickly not having enough fluids in their body can become deadly. The body goes into shock and the organs shut down." Will raised a hand at Kelly opening his mouth at that news, "Matt was just starting to go into shock, we got him treated for that and we've got him on an IV pushing fluids and antibiotics to keep sepsis from setting in, he will be okay, we're just lucky we caught it in time. But there are a couple other complications he's facing right now from the same cause."

"What's that?" Kelly asked.

"He's so dehydrated his electrolytes are completely out of balance, that alone could've caused the seizure and the fainting, he also has a kidney infection which we're going to get him treated for...but there's more than that. His lab work shows everything in his system is out of whack indicating malnutrition, starvation."

"What? How's that possible?" Kelly asked.

"The body knows it's supposed to take in food regularly, you're familiar with when people starve themselves, the body breaks down its own protein and fat to to survive?"

"Yeah, so?"

"It only takes 72 hours with no food for that self-cannibalization to start taking effect, if I had to guess, Matt Casey has been running on virtually no food, water, or sleep, for the past week. All the health risks for each of those on its own, it's a wonder he's not dead."

Kelly felt dizzy and fell back against the bed at that sudden revelation.

* * *

"How could this happen? In a hospital of all places!" Kelly was fuming to Benny after Will had left. "Wasn't _anybody_ paying attention? Didn't _anybody_ notice he wasn't eating or drinking anything?"

"Kelly, this place has been worse than Grand Central station, they spent two days shuffling everyone from the blast in and out, we spent four days waiting to see if you'd regain consciousness, and five days waiting for Gorsch to die. Nobody had time to look after each other," his father told him.

"That's no excuse!" Kelly screamed.

"Kelly, Matt is going to be alright."

Benny's words didn't seem to get through to him, because the next thing Kelly said, with a distant look in his eyes, was, "You don't understand, he _has_ to be alright, he's the only best friend I have left!"

"Kelly," Benny grabbed his son by the shoulders to get his attention, to force Kelly to look at him. "Matt will be fine, this is all stuff the doctors can fix easily, it's just going to take a while, okay?"

"I want him here," Kelly looked his father in the eyes and told him, "I want him here in this room so I know he's okay."

"We'll talk to the doctors about that," Benny said.

"I want him here," Kelly repeated desperately, "I need to see him." He was near tears.

"Just take it easy, Kelly, we'll see what they can do," his father told him.

A thought occurred to Kelly and his eyes widened in terror. "Dad...do you think Casey was trying to kill himself?"


	6. Chapter 6

Casey groaned as he slowly moved around in the bed, his back was killing him and he just felt weird in general.

"Hey Casey, you awake?"

He opened his eyes and saw he was in a hospital room looking up at the ceiling, who called him?

"Casey."

Casey turned his head and saw Severide on the other side of the room in his bed...then he realized he was in a hospital bed too, and looking around he saw he was hooked up to IVs and the pole beside the bed had about half a dozen bags hanging from it.

"What the hell?" he just barely croaked out, his throat was so dry it burnt.

"How're you feeling?" Kelly asked.

Casey didn't fully understand the question, the first thing he said was, "My back hurts."

"You've been asleep for two days, Matt."

Casey blinked. "What? Two days?"

"Why didn't you tell me what was going on?" Kelly asked him.

"What?"

"Casey, you almost died...why?"

Casey looked at Kelly for a minute, then shook his head.

"I couldn't think...about anything...except if you were going to wake up...and what the hell I was going to say when you did...I couldn't hold still for anything. The only time I even left the hospital, was when..."

"I know," Kelly replied. "but Casey-"

"I'm the captain, my people answer to me on Truck, Stella worked under me, she was supposed to stand down, I gave the order, she didn't...I tried to stop her, how could I explain that? How could I tell you that your girlfriend died because of me?"

"Casey, I don't blame you for what happened. I know you, there's nothing you could've done to stop it."

"How are you okay with this?" Casey sounded near tears.

"I'm not," Kelly answered. "But I've had a few days to come to terms with everything...Otis showed me the video they made of the service...I can only imagine how hard that had to be for you...but I'm proud of you for going."

Even across the room Kelly could see Casey's eyes tearing up, a relief to him since it meant he actually was hydrated again enough to produce them. He'd had plenty of chances to think back to that night and the next morning when Casey cried in his sleep but his eyes were dry the whole time, he should've put it together then but he didn't.

"I failed you on everything else...I couldn't stop Stella, I couldn't save her...I couldn't stop her family from pushing ahead with the funeral...you were still unconscious...I had to do it...I had to go in your place."

Kelly got out of his bed and crossed over to Casey's side of the room and sat on the edge of his bed and put a comforting arm around him and pulled Casey against him.

"No, you went because Stella _was_ in your company and you were her captain, and you were there for her until the very end. Thank you for that."

Casey closed his eyes and the tears broke loose and ran down his face.

"I'm sorry, Kelly."

"I know," Severide told him as he wrapped both arms around Casey and hugged him tight. "I'm sorry too." He wanted so much in that moment to actually be able to blame Gorsch for all the damage he'd done, the lives he'd devastated and the one he took away, but after everything he'd been through in the past few days, he just couldn't find the strength, the energy, or even the will, to do that. He couldn't call it coming to terms with what happened, but he knew Gorsch was already burning in hell for what he'd done, and that would have to suffice. Maybe when he got out of the hospital and was back at full speed, maybe then he'd have it in him to wish he could've killed Gorsch himself, but right now his priorities were limited, making a full recovery and making sure Casey was alright were his two main ones.

Casey pressed his head against Severide's shoulder and he felt the hot tears dripping on his sleeve. After the revelation Halstead had dropped on him, Kelly almost laughed in relief at that sensation. He moved a hand around and felt Casey's ribs and stomach and commented lightly, "Hey, you put some weight back on."

He could've kicked himself, that's something else he should've caught on to the night before, it never dawned on him how different Casey felt. Will had explained during Casey's examination, they'd had him weighed and running that number against his driver's license, between hardly eating or drinking anything all week, he had easily lost 20 pounds, and Will had pointed out the obvious strain that put on Casey's heart. But it also explained why Casey roamed around the hospital at all times, as long as he kept moving, people might notice he looked different, or looked bad, but they wouldn't realize what the obvious difference was. Apparently it worked because nobody realized how close he'd come to dying on them. Most of that had been the lost fluid, which they'd been replenishing with an IV, and Will had also explained to Severide so he could explain it to Casey when he woke up and so neither of them would freak out at what was going to happen, that they would keep pushing fluids into him until he was several pounds over his original weight to make sure he was adequately re-hydrated.

Casey pulled back from Kelly and just seemed to realize, "I'm thirsty."

Kelly laughed. "I think we can do something about that."

* * *

Kelly returned from physical therapy and saw Casey laying in his bed with a miserable look on his face, and though he should be resting he looked like sleep was the last thing on his mind.

"You're supposed to be relaxing," Kelly pointed out as he got back into his bed.

Casey scowled at him. "You try to relax when they're pushing all of Lake Michigan in you through a needle."

Kelly jabbed a finger in the direction of the plastic cup of red liquid on Casey's tray. "Don't forget that."

"Cranberry juice," Casey growled under his breath, "I am _sick_ of cranberry juice, I never want to see another cranberry in my life."

At that moment, Will entered the room and commented, "Well I don't usually criticize my patients, but if you would've been taking care of yourself in the first place, Matt, you wouldn't _have_ to."

"What's the word, Will?" Kelly asked.

Halstead glanced over at Severide but addressed Casey, "Your kidney infection's clearing up, as long as you keep drinking that," he pointed to the cup on the tray, "it should be gone completely in a few days."

"What about these?" Casey pointed to the IV bags hanging over the side of the bed.

Will checked the contents of each bag and told Casey, "We're going to keep you on IV fluids for a few more days, but you're out of the woods for sepsis that we can take you off those antibiotics now."

"One down," Casey dryly commented as he flopped against the pillow.

"All things considered, Matt, you're recovery fairly quickly," Will told him.

"That's because he can't wait to get away from me," Kelly said with a grin, "I'm driving him nuts."

Will smiled in amusement and responded, "Keep up the good work, with any luck we won't have to see either of you again after a few days."

That earned him a round of jeers and Severide threw his pillow at him as he was walking out of the room.

* * *

It was a well known fact Severide never did anything the easy way. No, couldn't just climb down the aerial in a house fire, that would make too much sense, that genius had to jump out a damn window and land in the yard, which then indirectly led to him being arrested for a hit and run and murder. It went without saying he had his fair share of stupid stunts in his whole career in 51. But having a chimney fall on him in the middle of a fire, that was just _great_. If Casey wasn't scrambling so hard to find a way to get him out before the chimney crushed Kelly to death or all of them died in the fire trying to save him, he would tear the Squad lieutenant a new one.

A beeping made his heart drop and brought him back to the here and now as he realized it was coming from Kelly.

"He's low on air!" Cruz said.

"Don't worry about it!" Severide weakly insisted, "Just keep working!"

The deafening sound of wood creaking got Casey's attention and he got up to get the Engine lieutenant's attention, trying to be heard over the fire, the alarm, and the sound of the whole house preparing to cave in on them.

"Herrmann, Herrmann, cut the water!"

Herrmann did. "What's wrong?"

"The floor can't take the weight! Get back outside!"

"Okay, but I'm leaving you the line."

"Copy that." Casey looked around, there were still too many people in the room, too many lives to risk.

"Capp, Tony, you too, get out of here."

"Okay but take this!" Tony said as he took off his mask and his air bottle.

"No! You need it!" Casey insisted.

"I'll be fine," Tony replied as he set it down.

"Capp, get him out of here!" Casey ordered.

"I got him!" Capp took his mask off and put it over Tony's face as he breathed in the air.

On the floor next to him, Severide was groaning in pain.

"Hang in there," Casey told him.

He looked and Tony and Capp were gone, now it was just three of them. Casey removed Severide's mask and slipped Tony's on his face. He wasn't sure if Kelly was still breathing.

"Hey! Still with me?"

"Yeah," Kelly surprised him by answering, "just get me out of here!"

"Cruz!"

"Alright, good to go!"

"Up on one and two!"

The hiss of air could barely be heard before the creaking of wood drowned it out.

"Stop! Stop!" Casey raised a hand to get Cruz's attention. "It's no good! If we keep lifting, the chimney's gonna push the cribbing through the floor!"

"Well you better think of something fast because this room's gonna flash over!" Cruz told him.

He thought. His mind raced. He couldn't come up with anything.

"Cruz, you better go!" It was better if only two of them stayed behind to face what was coming.

"What about you?"

Casey glanced down at Severide who even with the air was struggling to breathe. He knew...and Severide knew...but neither of them would admit it, not with Cruz there, not after he'd gone and it was just the two of them with no way out.

"Hand me that hose," Casey didn't have a plan to get them out but he'd make one final attempt to take them down swinging. "I'll cover Severide with my body and we'll make a stand right here."

* * *

Casey could feel Severide's hair in his hand. His mask! He'd taken off his mask! Casey opened his eyes and saw the hospital room, and realized it was just a dream. _Almost_. He looked down and realized he _was_ laying on Severide, who was dead to the world and couldn't care less about that fact. Taking in a huge breath that came back out as a sigh of relief, Casey moved over to his side of the bed, and waited for the shaking sensation in his body to stop.

He could still see the explosion that tore the building apart, he looked and Kelly and Gorsch were nowhere in sight, he'd instantly hit his radio but there was no response. Then, Severide's voice had crackled through that he was trapped under the rubble somewhere with Gorsch, who had been seriously injured and wasn't breathing. Severide was doing CPR but needed someone to get them out immediately. The panic had been loud and clear over the radio, Severide probably wasn't even aware of it. Casey hadn't known at the time if he'd been hurt as well, and if so, what wasn't he telling them?, or if it was just the horror of being caught in the explosion and being trapped by it. Whatever it was, Casey was shaking himself, but he kept his voice steady as he replied, "On my way, Severide, hang in there!"

Stella was already ahead of him and broke into a run towards the rubble.

"Kidd!" Casey called over to her, "_Stand down_! I'll get him!"

"I can get to him first!" she called back.

"Kidd!" Casey thought he was going to have a stroke, his blood was pounding so hard his eyeballs were throbbing, "That's an order! Get back here!"

She had gotten close...so close...and then...

Kelly opened his eyes when he heard something. He turned over and saw Casey on the other side of the bed, curled in a ball, shaking like a leaf and crying.

"Matt..."

Kelly grabbed hold of his friend and held onto him while he relived the horror of that day. There wasn't anything 'right' to say but Severide whispered calming assurances as he waited for Casey to wear down.

He didn't know when Casey finally quieted down, but just before the Truck captain fell back asleep, Kelly told him softly, "Hey...come home with me." At Casey's puzzled look Kelly added, "I don't want you being alone." He honestly had no idea how Casey would adapt back to life on his own. It didn't occur to Severide at the time that he was now facing the same fate.


	7. Chapter 7

"Here you go, lieutenant," Cruz said as he handed a bag to Kelly in the hospital waiting room.

"Thanks, Cruz, I know Casey will appreciate this," Severide told him.

"No sweat, I'll see you round."

Cruz exited the hospital and in through the sliding doors stepped...Grissom.

Kelly didn't acknowledge the man, just turned around and headed for Casey's room.

"Kelly-"

"Don't." Kelly stopped in his tracks and turned to face the man. "Whatever you're about to say, forget it. I don't want to hear it." And with that he resumed walking.

Chief Grissom quickly caught up to Severide, "Kelly, I am very sorry for everything you've been put through. Surely you don't think I had any idea that Jerry would do something like this."

Kelly snapped at his dad's old friend, "Then maybe you should've spent more time looking into _him_ instead of Boden and everybody at 51." He turned and glared at Grissom, sending the message if looks could kill, Grissom would already be 6 feet under.

"Stella Kidd _died_ in that explosion, do you get that? She's _dead_, because of _your_ decision." His jaw clenched tighter and his eyes narrowed into even smaller slits. "Get out of my sight, and get out of this hospital before I throw you out myself. Don't _ever_ talk to me again."

Without waiting for a response from the chief, Kelly stormed off and made his way to he and Casey's joint hospital room. He closed the door and pulled the curtain shut as an extra 'screw you' incase Grissom followed him. Both beds were empty, Kelly went over to the bathroom and knocked on the door.

"Here you go, Casey."

The door opened just enough for Casey's arm to reach out, Kelly handed the bag to him and the arm retreated back inside.

"You okay?" Matt's voice called through the door.

Kelly glanced at the door surprised. He'd tried to sound casual for Casey's sake, he definitely was not about to tell him who was just there.

"Fine, just anxious to finally get out of here."

Kelly waited a few minutes but Casey wouldn't come out. Kelly knocked on the door. "Come on, Casey, let's see."

"No," Casey replied firmly.

"Come on, Casey."

"You're not seeing what I'm seeing," Casey told him.

Kelly rolled his eyes. "Come on, Casey, it can't be that bad. Casey, I'm not leaving...and I pulled the curtain, nobody can see in. Come on, it's just us."

He heard a sigh from the other side of the door, then heard it opening, and Casey reluctantly stepped out.

They were both cleared to go home, but Casey had quickly found out that the clothes he'd worn in to Med no longer fit with the excess fluid the docs had put in him. Even Severide's jeans weren't big enough to comfortably fit him, so Kelly had reached out to Cruz to borrow a change of his clothes since he was a size bigger. He knew it would be a real blow to Casey's self esteem if they didn't fit either and they had to ask Mouch for a pair of his jeans for Casey to wear home.

Casey absently pressed his arms in front of his body to try and conceal how he looked in the larger shirt and jeans, which by now didn't look that big on him at all. The look on his face was mortified but the look in his eyes specifically was just miserable.

Will had explained to Kelly that the issue of excess unwanted water weight could be a touchy subject even for guys, since nobody ever really stopped to think what happened to all the saline solution fed into them during their stay and usually only put it together once they got home on the scale, during which time they tried to figure out what the hell had happened to them during their hospitalization, so Kelly had tried to prepare himself not to respond in any way that Casey might interpret as laughing at him.

"It doesn't look that bad, Casey."

That did little to change the captain's mood. He told Kelly, "According to that scale they've got here, I've put on 15 pounds from the IV." By which Kelly knew he meant in addition to the original fluid weight they'd gotten back on him to restore him to the shape he was originally in. Casey grumbled, "Put on 15 pounds, none of my clothes fit, I'm _miserable_...this must be how my mom felt every month."

Kelly fought back every urge he had to laugh at that comment, he knew Casey would _not_ appreciate it right now. Instead he clapped a hand on his friend's back and told him, "Just remember, Will said it'll come off in about a week, but you _have_ to keep drinking plenty of water."

"_Why_?" Casey demanded to know as he gestured to himself. "I can't get rid of the water I already have on me."

"That's why," Kelly reminded him. "You know Will said your body holds onto water when it's not getting enough. You have to keep drinking it to actually lose it."

"I am so _sick_ of water," Casey replied with a small whine as he dropped his head to his chest.

Kelly leaned over and said in Casey's ear, "We get out of here, we'll get a beer, will that be better?" He dropped his head to see Casey's face and didn't miss the small smile as Casey tried very hard to restrain himself from laughing. "Huh?" Kelly gently pushed, watching Casey cover his mouth as he choked on a laugh. "That's better." He wrapped the crook of his arm around the back of Casey's neck and pulled the blonde man against him. "Hey, we'll be alright."

Casey lifted his head and looked Severide in the eyes and asked, "Are you sure you wouldn't rather come back to my place?"

Kelly shook his head. "Nah, it's fine." He knew he had to bite the bullet and there was no point delaying the inevitable.

"Kelly...something I didn't tell you," Casey said. And there it was, a shade of that same fear was back. "Stella's stuff is gone...her parents asked...I didn't know what to do..."

Kelly just nodded. "It's okay." With this sudden revelation, Kelly actually hoped it would be easier for him to adjust, _without_ having to go back and look at every physical reminder of Stella around the apartment.

* * *

Casey groaned tiredly as he made his way back to the couch. Three trips to the bathroom in one night and it was only 2:30. Minus the throwing up and the swollen ankles, he thought he was starting to get an idea what it was like for a woman to be pregnant.

He was just starting to settle back under the blanket when he heard something in the otherwise silent apartment. Through the walls he could hear the faint sound of Severide crying. Casey just sighed. He'd tried to talk Severide into coming home with him, he'd also tried to talk Kelly into taking the couch, but he'd insisted it was fine, that he could handle this.

Matt listened for a few minutes and the sounds didn't let up, he pushed the blanket back, stood up and went to the bedroom. The door was slightly ajar, he quietly pushed it open and walked in. The room was dark but he could make out Kelly laying in the middle of the bed, his back to the door, he was sure Kelly wasn't anywhere near asleep. He stood by the bed for a minute and watched the slight tremors as Kelly's back jerked in time with his cries. Then, in one swift movement, Casey climbed onto the bed behind Kelly and wrapped an arm around his chest. Kelly flinched at the sudden contact but otherwise didn't seem to notice. Casey didn't say anything, he gently maneuvered his other arm between Kelly's body and the mattress and wrapped it around him as well and held him tight. After a while Kelly seemed to relax and actually leaned back against Casey, then Matt felt a hand reach up and grab his arm.

Casey still didn't say anything, he didn't trust himself to even talk. He inched forward and gently kissed Kelly on the back of his head. Even though Kelly told Matt he didn't blame him for what happened, Casey still felt that he had failed Kelly, by not being able to get to him in time, by not being able to save Stella. There were things that Casey wished he had the guts to say to Kelly but he was worried how Severide might respond at this time, so he fought the urges surging through him and contented himself then and there as they were, honestly he was just relieved that Kelly hadn't kicked him out screaming already. What he had to say could wait, he just hoped when he finally told Kelly, that he would understand.

* * *

Matt looked down at the notches in his belt as he buckled it and laughed triumphantly, ten days and he'd finally gotten the last of that excess fluid off of him, and he couldn't be more thrilled. He tucked Cruz's clothes back in their bag, couldn't wait to give those back to him, headed into the kitchen, went to the fridge, took out the three quarters emptied bottle of cranberry juice and chucked it in the garbage. He'd just gotten out everything to start on breakfast when he heard someone knocking at the front door.

It wasn't _early_ in the morning but still earlier than most people would drop in for a visit, so Casey went to see who it was.

"Benny."

Casey wasn't sure if Kelly had told his dad about their living situation or not, either way the retired smoke eater looked mildly surprised to see Matt there, but quickly recovered from it.

"Hey Matt, how're you doing?"

"I...I'm good," Casey recovered from his own shock. "Kelly's still in bed, I'll go get him up."

"No, don't do that," Benny held out a hand in protest. "I thought I'd see how he's doing. But if you're here then I know he's alright."

Casey felt a flush of heat in his cheeks at Benny's comment. There had been days he wouldn't swear to it, though he'd done everything he could to help Kelly heal from what happened.

"Are you going to be in town long?" Casey asked, knowing Kelly would likely want to see his dad again before he got another harebrained scheme and pulled up stakes.

"I'll be in reach, once Kelly's actually on his feet again then I'll be heading out," Benny told him.

Casey nodded, knowing that was reasonable, but still dreading the day that actually happened. He hadn't consciously thought about it much but he took comfort in knowing Benny was around incase he needed him, incase Kelly decided he didn't want Casey's company, at least his dad could check on him regularly.

"Matt, you _know_ nothing that happened was your fault."

Casey blinked. Did Severide's dad know how to read minds?

"You did everything you could," Benny told him.

Casey shook his head grimly. "It wasn't enough."

"Casey, every single firefighter who ever lived knows what you're going through, we all know what it's like to lose someone on the job. It's hell, and it never gets easier...but we get through it."

Casey shook his head again, "Not like this."

"What do you mean?"

"Because he's my best friend...and she was his girlfriend...and she was under my command...I _am_ responsible, Benny...and I know it's just a matter of time until Kelly realizes that and then..."

"It's not your fault that Stella let her feelings for Kelly interfere with the job. If it had been anybody else, she wouldn't have done that."

"And she'd be alive," Casey sighed.

"I know you've gone over that day a hundred different ways, looking for something you could've done differently," Benny told him, and shook his head, "There isn't, Matt. Unfortunately we learn early on in the job that not everybody makes it. Kelly knows that too. He doesn't blame you, and he's not going to hate you."

There was a brief pause before Matt self consciously replied, "I wish I could be as sure of that as you are."

"You'll be fine, Matt," Benny reached for the doorknob. "I'll see you round."

* * *

Kelly got out of the car and looked ahead, on the other side he heard Casey get out too.

"You coming?" Kelly asked.

Casey shook his head. "Nah, you go ahead, I'll wait here."

"Okay." Kelly took out the bouquet of flowers and walked down the lane towards Stella's grave. Casey agreed to go to the cemetery but he decided to let them have some privacy. All the nervous energy that kept him walking the halls all day and night at the hospital had returned and he thought he'd lose his mind if he had to actually stand still. He didn't want Kelly to look back and get the idea that he was eavesdropping, so he walked behind the car and paced around in circles there. Every so often he glanced back and saw Kelly crouched down in front of the large granite stone, from the distance he could see several other bunches of flowers still resting against the marker. Everybody had loved Stella, and it had about killed all of them when the doctors called it.

The day had already been gray and dreary to begin with, but by the time Kelly stood up and walked away from Stella's grave, the sky was darker and looked like it could rain. He headed back to the car, but didn't see Matt anywhere.

"Casey?"

Kelly walked around the car and froze when he saw Casey sitting on the ground behind the rear of the Mustang, his knees pulled to his chest and he was crying. Kelly knelt down, grabbed Casey by his armpits and pulled him up.

"What's wrong, Casey?"

Casey didn't respond except to press his head in the crook of Kelly's neck and wrapped his arms around Kelly, desperately holding on.

"I love you."

The words were muffled against his neck but Kelly heard this plain as day. For a minute, he didn't have any idea how to respond.

Kelly returned the embrace and told him, "Casey, I know you think you need to look after me, but-"

"I promised her."

The words made Kelly's blood turn cold. They were so quiet he almost hadn't heard them.

Casey pulled back and said again, louder this time, "I promised her. When they took her away, I promised I would." The tears in his eyes built up fast and now they were already falling. "I promised her you wouldn't be alone, I promised..."

Kelly was stunned by this confession. He couldn't think of anything to say, he just pulled Casey back against him and held onto him as he broke down crying.


	8. Chapter 8

Outside there was the sound of rain pouring down on the city. Casey was faintly aware of it, but what he was mostly aware of was feeling warm and content, the sound and even rhythmic movements of his breathing. He tried to shift around and slowly became aware of a few other things, one was there was a heavy blanket draped over his upper body, another, the couch was very lumpy, the one that jerked his eyes open in realization, the couch had a set of knees under him.

Casey opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was the view from the couch looking towards the TV, he slowly worked his gaze back and saw a body underneath him, and it was then that he noticed the sensation of an arm wrapped around his back, he trailed his gaze up and saw Severide with his head against the armrest, grinning at him with a cat-that-swallowed-the-canary expression.

"Hey," he said. "Feeling better?"

If this had actually been the first time Casey found himself laying on Severide, his first instinct would probably be to jump clear off the couch. As it was this wasn't entirely a new experience for him, not counting the times in the hospital. In their early days working together they'd wound up bunking together one night when the heat went out, and they had woken up in very nearly the same position they were in now, buried under five blankets, which took a while to untangle themselves from.

Another time further down the line before either of them had made lieutenant and were still sleeping in the bunk room with everyone else, they decided to play a joke on a transfer from 23 who came with an attitude problem and seemed to easily forget his place as the new guy at 51. They decided to give him a little shock, and arranged for him to find them in bed together one night, in _his_ bunk. They knew his routine and knew he was usually the last one to turn in because he went out for a smoke on the apparatus floor before bed. Everybody else was already asleep so the two firefighters had carefully crept over to the bunk in question and assumed the position, which was uncomfortable and awkward, but they decided it'd be worth it to see the look on the prick's face. That night he must've gone through a whole pack of smokes because time went by and he didn't come in and Kelly and Casey got tired of waiting and eventually fell asleep as they were. The next thing they knew, the blanket was being ripped off of them, and that sight sent the transfer running out of the bunk room screaming in shock and disgust. It had gotten them plenty of strange looks from everybody else who'd been woken up in the process, but by that time they were too tired to get up and fell back asleep holding onto each other. Not comfortable by any means, but definitely worth the laugh, though it in turn had made them the butt of several jokes for the next week or so.

But this was different.

Casey didn't have any recollection of how they got here. The last thing he remembered was being out at the graveyard with Kelly. Severide on the other hand remembered all too well how hard it had been to get Casey back to the apartment, by which time, he was honestly afraid to let the blonde man out of his sight. So he decided his ego could take the back burner and got them over to the couch and got them arranged as Casey had woken up to find them. It had taken a while for Casey to calm down but once he did it had been a peaceful few hours and Severide found himself falling asleep as well. He went in and out of sleep for a while, during which he'd had plenty of time to think about what had been going on.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing Casey thought to say as he moved to get up.

But Kelly's arm was still around his back.

"Stay put," Kelly told him.

"What is it?" Casey was starting to worry where this was going.

"I love you, Casey. I'm sorry it's taken this long to actually say it. I was going to in the hospital but I didn't want you to think it was the drugs talking...or the grief. Casey, I appreciate everything you've done, and I know that Stella would too, but you don't have to look after me. I _am_ capable of being by myself." He noted the look on Casey's face and before he could respond with the track record of Severide being left to his own devices, Kelly added sarcastically, "I know, I know, shut up."

Casey laughed. Then his expression changed and Kelly felt Matt's hand absently tighten a hold on him.

"I'm not kicking you out, Matt...but you don't have to stay here watching over me," Kelly told him. "If I need something, I can call you."

"_Would_ you?" Casey asked skeptically.

"Fair point," Kelly responded. "You can stay as long as you want, but I don't want you staying just because you feel obligated to look after me."

"Kelly...I saw what happened to you after Andy died, and after Shay died...I don't want that happening again," Casey told him.

Kelly felt his eyes pop open in surprise. It hadn't occurred to him that that was going through Casey's mind in light of Stella's death.

"It won't," he said. "I can promise you that."

"Make sure..." the desperation was plain in Casey's voice. "Make sure of that...I can't go through that again. I don't think you realize what it's like watching...wondering...am I gonna get a call that you finally went over the limit and overdosed on something somewhere...after everything else that's happened, I can't have that on my head too."

Kelly felt like he'd just been sucker punched in the gut. He never really stopped to think how his behavior back then had affected the people around him, Shay after Andy's death was easier to be aware of because he saw the betrayal she felt at him using her to get painkillers for his shoulder, after Shay died he'd isolated himself from everyone else, Casey had to come out and get him, even then he was still too lost in his own grief to realize how it had taken a toll on Casey.

"I'm sorry, Matt," he said. "I...never realized that you worried about that."

"I worry about you all the time," Casey confessed. "Everything you do scares the hell out of me because you think you're never going to die." He breathed heavily a few times before he explained, "You lost Shay, your best friend since she came to 51, and you lost Andy, your best friend since you were 5...you're the only best friend I ever had, I can't lose you."

The world as Kelly Severide knew it instantly fell away. So much for Casey being the last best friend he had. If this was how he treated his best friend, Casey didn't need any enemies.

Kelly realized Casey was no longer trying to get up, but he suddenly found his own grip tightening against the blonde man, almost afraid to let go of him now.

Casey must've realized something changed. He asked uncertainly, "Kelly?"

Severide looked over at the wall but he wasn't really seeing it. He felt his hand almost robotically rubbing Casey's back and said disconnectedly, "Let's...let's just stay here a little while."

Casey merely nodded and rested his head against Severide's chest again.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Casey," Kelly whispered as he leaned over and kissed Matt on the top of his head while he slept on the couch. Severide had been watching him sleep and everything under his knees had lost the circulation in them. He quietly moved his legs out from under him and sat on the floor beside the couch.

They'd gotten through the night fairly well, after Casey's confession neither of them had further broached the subject, the silence that grew between them wasn't awkward but all the same Kelly felt like he was suddenly walking on eggshells.

Casey, and everybody else at 51 over the years had their own less than subtle ways of telling Severide when he was being an idiot, Shay was the only one that ever did it and actually got through to him. Maybe if she was still around things wouldn't have gotten this bad. Nothing made sense anymore. How had he been so oblivious to what was going on around him? The answer was obvious, he didn't think. It was actually very rarely that Kelly Severide _ever_ stopped to think how his behavior impacted the people around him, the people stupid enough to stand by him and call him their friend.

He almost laughed. He really _was_ an idiot. He really had never paid attention to the simple fact that there wasn't anybody at 51 that Casey interacted with more than him, and there was _nobody_ out of 51 that he interacted with as much as he did the people _at_ 51\. It was true. Casey didn't have any other best friends. For all the years Darden had been with them at 51 Severide thought he qualified but looking back, Andy and Casey hadn't really been that close, not as close as the two of them had. And Shay...Shay was friends with everybody, but Kelly knew the two of them were closest, Casey actually had little interactions with her one on one. How had he been so blind to all of this? Unfortunately the answer was simple, once again, he didn't think about it, he didn't pay attention because it didn't affect him. Kelly flopped back on the floor and looked up towards the ceiling, shaking his head. Why the hell _was_ Casey friends with him, why still now, after everything that had happened? Except Matt had already answered that question, because he didn't have anyone else.

_My God_, Kelly thought to himself. Was that the only reason Casey was still friends with him, because he had no alternatives? To what extent would he put up with him? He remembered all too well everything Casey had already endured over the years, Kelly blaming him for Darden's death, Kelly going after Casey and his whole company because of the Rice incident, there was never any formal reconciliation for any of that...was Casey really that desperate not to be alone he'd put up with abuse like that and come back for more?

Kelly sat up on the floor and decided he was going to get to the bottom of those questions right now. Much as he hated to, he woke Casey up, in the dark he could see the captain tiredly laying facedown in the couch cushions and his eyes just barely opening like a bloodhound. His question was muffled in the pillow but it sounded relatively like 'What is it?'

"Why are you still friends with me?" Kelly wanted to know.

There was a pause as Casey just looked at him, and just barely raised his head enough to coherently ask, "Huh?"

"As much crap as I've put you through, _why_ are we still friends?" Kelly asked.

Casey tiredly answered as if it made obvious sense, "Because I love you."

"_Why_?"

"Because you're my best friend."

Kelly sighed and shook his head. They weren't getting anywhere.

"Alright, sorry I woke you up," he whispered as he leaned over and kissed Casey on his forehead, "go back to sleep."

Casey didn't need much encouragement for that, as soon as his head hit the pillow again he was out like a light. Kelly thought for a while, and he got an idea. He nudged Casey and when the captain didn't move, Kelly stood up and gathered Casey in his arms and lifted the sleeping man off the couch, only a soft moan of protest from the blonde man.

"It's okay, Casey," Kelly whispered as he headed towards the bedroom, "come on."

* * *

Casey felt the soft sheets under him and the warm covers over him, he felt contented and safe. Unfortunately he knew if he was conscious enough to be aware of all this, it must be morning.

"What time is it, Kelly?" he asked as he rolled over. He opened his eyes. "Kelly?"

The other half of the bed was empty, and in fact, looked like it hadn't been slept in. The apartment was dark but he could tell it was getting light out. The clock said 6:35 A.M.

"Kelly?" Casey pushed the covers back and stood up.

The sound of low voices out in the living room got his attention. Company at this hour? Casey tiptoed to the door and looked out and saw Kelly and Benny sitting on the couch, their backs to him, Kelly's head was slumped down and it looked like he was wringing his hands.

"I don't know what to do, Pop," he said in a low tone so Casey wouldn't hear him.

Benny reached over and put a hand on Kelly's back. "You're being too hard on yourself, Kelly."

"I'm a horrible friend to Casey..."

"You two are perfect for each other," Benny replied and pointed out, "whole time you were in the hospital, all he worried about was you being okay, when he got sick, all you worried about was him being okay."

"He has so much guilt from what happened to Stella, and I didn't have any idea."

"Because he didn't want you to know, Kelly, you're not to blame for that."

"I'm such a horrible person that he couldn't even tell me what was wrong."

"Now you're being ridiculous," Benny told him.

"I've spent all night going over everything that's happened over the years, he was always there for me even when I didn't want him, where was I when he needed someone? You know since Stella and I...we hardly even saw each other anymore, we never hung out anymore..."

"Now you know why none of my marriages worked," Benny said. "It's hard, you have to pick your friend over your girl or the other way around, it's easier to just keep it casual."

"I tried that, Pop. I tried, and I failed."

"Nobody's perfect," Benny replied.

"I don't even know why he puts up with me," Kelly told him. "After everything I've put him through, I don't have any idea how to begin to make things right between us."

"Well a simple apology for acting like an idiot over the years would be a good start," Casey announced as he crept up beside the couch.

Kelly jerked his head to the side with wide eyes. "Casey."

Benny reached over and nudged his son with his elbow. "You heard the man, get over there and apologize."

Kelly just about stumbled off the couch as he got to his feet, stepped over to Casey and put his arms around the other man.

"I'm sorry, Casey."

He felt Casey's arms wrap around him in response, trying to pop his spine.

"I'm sorry, about everything."

"It's okay," Casey replied.

Kelly heard his dad get up, then heard the door open and close. Now it was just the two of them.

"Okay, let's try this again," Kelly pulled back from Matt to look him in the eyes. "Why are you still friends with me?"

"We've _been_ friends for over 20 years, Kelly, that's pretty late to start new with someone else," Casey said. There was a pause, and he added, "You _were_ always there when I needed you."

Kelly shook his head. "No I wasn't."

"The times it counted, you were, that's good enough for me," Casey told him.

Kelly felt his eyes stinging with tears just starting to form. "I do love you, Casey...I'm sorry I never said it sooner."

"You didn't have to, I knew," Casey replied. "We wouldn't still be friends this far down the line if you didn't."

But now after the bombshell Casey dropped on him yesterday, Kelly found himself burdened with another disturbing thought.

"Casey...if there was any time when Stella and I were together that you didn't think you could come to me when something was wrong, I _am_ sorry-"

"Kelly, I'm glad that you and Stella were together," Casey told him. "She was good for you. I know I never said it at the time, but I was happy for you, you two deserved each other."

"That doesn't answer the question."

"If I needed your help, you were always there," Casey said. "She didn't change that."

Kelly looked him dead in the eyes and asked him point blank, "Would you tell me if it did?"

Casey offered a small smile and responded, "Kelly, you're still coming to terms with what's happened...you need to take it easy."

"Matt..."

"You _are_ a good friend, Kelly, you ignored what you were going through to make sure I was alright. I can't ever repay that."

"I don't want you to," Kelly shook his head. "You almost died worrying about me, that can't happen again, Casey, I couldn't take it if something happened to you."

Casey looked at him, whatever he was going to say clearly stuck somewhere between his throat and his pursed lips, then finally he answered, "Then we're even."

The two firemen looked at each other for a minute and neither said anything. Then Kelly cupped Casey's jaw in his hand and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"What was that?"

"Sorry," Kelly sheepishly responded.

Casey smirked like he was holding back a laugh and told him, "Just don't make a habit of that, people will start to talk." With that he leaned over and kissed Kelly on the forehead.

"Very funny."

Casey clapped a hand on Kelly's arm and said, "Come on, let's get started on breakfast."


	9. Chapter 9

"You sure you want me to go?" Casey asked.

"I told you, it's not about me," Kelly said. "I said you could stay here as long as you wanted, but I don't want you doing it out of some obligation."

"If you're sure," Casey said as he zipped up his jacket.

"I know where you live, if I need you I can find you," Severide insisted.

"Call me," Casey said.

"I will."

Casey looked at him determinedly and responded, "I mean it, Kelly. I don't care what it is, I don't care what time it is, you _call_."

"I _will_."

Casey nodded, and resumed packing his bag.

"Hey, you call a ride yet?" Kelly asked.

Casey shook his head. "Nope."

"Come on, I'll drive you back."

Casey turned around. "You don't have to do that."

Kelly grabbed his keys. "Come on, let's go."

"Thanks."

* * *

Kelly heard his phone ringing and blindly felt along to find it. He forced his eyes open and saw it was going on 1 in the morning.

"What is it?" he asked.

"You didn't call."

Kelly sat up. Casey sounded like he hadn't even been to bed yet.

"I told you to call."

"Casey," Kelly rubbed his eyes, "What's going on?"

There was silence on the other end.

"Casey?"

"Sorry."

"What's going on, Casey?"

"Nothing, sorry, I just..."

"Did something happen?"

"No, I just...it sounds stupid."

"I'm not ignoring you, Casey, I just didn't have anything to call about."

"I know," Casey sounded embarrassed by his own behavior, "I'm sorry."

"Have you been asleep?" Kelly asked.

"No."

"You alright?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah, sure, fine," Casey grumbled.

Kelly knocked back the covers, sensing a long night ahead of him. "Talk to me. What's on your mind?"

"I..."

"Have you even been to sleep since you got home?"

"No."

"Matt," Kelly flopped back against the mattress.

"I don't want to remember...I don't want to dream about it."

"...I know," Kelly replied. "Talk to me, what's been going on?"

"My fingers are all split. I've been cleaning every square inch of this place, trying not to think."

"Well nice to know all that candidate training didn't go to waste," Kelly joked. "Casey, you've got to sleep, you know that."

"But what happens if-"

"Then you call me, and I'll talk to you until you can go back to sleep," Kelly told him.

"It's not right."

Kelly wasn't sure he'd heard right. "Matt?"

"You shouldn't have to keep making sure _I'm_ alright."

"Matt, this isn't about Stella and my's relationship, everybody at 51 loved her, of _course_ you're going to be affected as much as I am."

"It's still not right."

"Maybe not, but we don't have a choice," Kelly told him. "Come on, Casey, you know you'd do the same for me."

"Yeah..." Casey reluctantly grumbled.

"Come on, buddy, talk to me," Kelly leaned back against the pillows.

"About what?"

"Anything...I got all night."

* * *

Kelly was finishing a cup of coffee when he heard someone knocking on the door. He went, unlocked it and opened it up.

"Are you coming in today?" Casey asked, already dressed for work.

After he asked the question he saw Kelly was also wearing his station gear.

"That's the idea," Kelly said.

Casey looked at him and nodded, though the look on his face wasn't quite convinced.

"You sure about this?"

"Ain't gonna get any easier, might as well bite the bullet and get it over with," Kelly said.

Severide grabbed his bag, stepped outside, locked the door and took a step forward, and stopped when he realized something. He looked down and saw Casey's hand gripping his own tightly. Kelly looked up at Casey, whose stone faced expression gave nothing away, but the bone crushing grip said everything for him.

"Ready?" Casey asked as he finally let go and pulled his hand back.

Kelly nodded. "Let's go."

* * *

Casey quietly made his way from his quarters to Severide's. There hadn't been any calls for the last three hours and everybody was taking advantage of it and in the bunk room asleep. He put his ear to the glass door and lightly knocked. There was no response, he opened the door and whispered, "You awake?"

"Yeah, come on in," Severide responded.

Casey did, and shut the door behind him.

"You okay?" Kelly asked from where he lay on his bunk.

"I was going to ask you that," Casey replied as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

"I'm good," Kelly answered.

"Are you really?" Matt asked.

It had been an adjustment coming back to 51 and there was now a new candidate in Stella's place. Everybody had avoided discussing the elephant in the room and gone through the motions of everything being perfectly normal. Kelly had kept himself occupied every minute of the shift so Casey hadn't had a chance to talk to him and see how he'd been doing.

"Yeah, sure," Kelly responded dismissively.

There was silence between them for a couple minutes before Casey heard Severide moving around on the bunk and heard the lieutenant say to him, "Get over here."

Casey knew what Kelly was saying, but he stood by the door and responded, "I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"Come on," Kelly said and Casey could hear the covers being pulled down, "if the bells don't go off, nobody will be the wiser, and if they do, I doubt we'll have time for anybody to notice."

Hesitantly, Casey went over to the bunk and slipped in beside Kelly and pulled the blanket up.

"Thank you," Kelly whispered.

Casey didn't have any response. The bed was slightly cramped and neither could move too much without sticking a knee in the other person's back or stomach, Matt moved over just enough to rest his head against the crook of Kelly's neck, and reached an arm over and placed his hand on Kelly's shoulder. After a minute he felt Severide reach around and put a hand on his back, and the two firefighters held on to each other as slowly the barriers they'd kept up all day finally came down, and both of them started crying.

* * *

Matt was still sound asleep when Kelly woke up, still latched onto him with his head resting on Kelly's chest, turned on his side with one leg swung over Kelly's knees. Kelly wasn't sure what time it was, but knew the others would be waking up soon, and knew that Casey was in no condition to explain what had happened last night.

Kelly tested the waters by reaching around and locking his arms against Casey's back, he didn't move, didn't stir, didn't seem aware at all of what was going on. Slowly, Kelly maneuvered himself towards the edge and carefully slipped Casey onto his back and moved his arms under his back and his legs and lifted him up.

"Come on, buddy," Kelly whispered, "let's get you back to your own bunk."

Working carefully but quietly, Severide reached the door, glanced around and didn't see anybody else getting up, and carried Casey over to his own quarters, got the door opened, made his way to the bunk and got Casey settled on it and covered him up. Kelly placed his hands on the sides of Casey's head and watched him as he slept.

"Thanks for everything, Casey, I appreciate it, I know Stella would too."

Kelly leaned down and kissed Matt on his forehead, then turned and quietly slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him. He'd just made his way back to his own office when...

"Kelly."

"AH!" Severide spun around and saw Boden half encased in the darkness. "Chief...I can explain."

"No need," Boden shook his head. "I realize how hard it was for both of you to come back to 51 so soon, and I appreciate both of you sticking it out your first shift back."

Kelly stood there dumbstruck for a second, "Uh...thanks Chief."

"You know, Kelly," Boden's voice lowered a notch as he told the lieutenant, "Andy's death nearly tore this firehouse apart 6 years ago. I'm glad that you and Casey have grown enough over the years that that's not an issue now."

Kelly shook his head, "Wasn't his fault, Chief."

"And Gorsch's death wasn't your fault."

Kelly slowly nodded. "I know that now, Chief."

"Still got a few hours before shift change, better get some more sleep while you can," Boden told him.

"Thanks...oh, Chief? What're you doing up?"

"When you're my age and have to get up three times in the night to use the bathroom, Kelly, you won't have to ask that question, you'll know why," Boden replied as he walked off.

* * *

72 hours later Kelly found himself in Casey's quarters instead. He'd gone there shortly after everybody else had gone to bed in the bunk room. He'd only planned to stay for a few minutes and check on Casey and see how he was dealing with their next shift so far. Despite his intentions, he wound up in Casey's bed with him, the two of them once again holding on to each other as they discussed what had happened that day. This time though, they managed to get through it without either one breaking down crying, he certainly took that as a huge sign of improvement.

"Kelly...Kelly..."

Severide opened his eyes and saw Casey looking at him.

"Sorry," he said as he sat up, "What time is it?"

"4:30, the others will probably be getting up soon."

Kelly nodded and rubbed his eyes.

"Thanks," he said as he stood up. "Sorry about last night."

"It's okay," Casey replied from where he lay on his bunk.

Kelly headed for the door, then turned back and told him, "Thank you...for everything you've done."

Casey glanced down at his blanket, then back up at Severide. "Kelly..." he sighed, "You think we're ever gonna be okay?"

Kelly stopped and thought about his question.

"I think we're getting there," he said. "Goodnight, Casey."

"Goodnight, Kelly."

A/N: One more chapter to go!


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Here we are at the end. Thanks to everybody for reading and reviewing!

By the next shift, both men stayed in their quarters all night, though it wasn't because Kelly didn't think of going to see Casey, in fact several times during the night he found himself at the door fighting the urge to march in there. He decided if Casey wanted to come to him, that was fine, but for his own part, he decided to stand down and see what happened, he knew sooner or later he'd have to learn to get through the night without running to Casey all the time.

It still wasn't easier to get through shift without thinking of Stella, he kept expecting to see her every time he turned a corner, every time they took their seats for the morning brief, he thought he could hear her voice calling down the corridors, he'd swear he could even still smell her. If he could go 10 seconds without thinking about her he considered that to be doing well. But going to Casey with his problems wasn't going to help the captain either, and Casey already almost died because of the guilt from his involvement with her death. Kelly definitely wasn't about to make Casey feel any worse than he already had.

He walked over to his bunk and sat on the edge, and waited, then he scooted over to the middle of the bed and looked up towards the ceiling, waiting, for what he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure if Casey would come over or not, but incase he did he wanted to keep an ear open for him. If not, he waited to see if sleep would come to him. He lay there in the dark, listening to his own breathing, and waited...waited...waited...

* * *

"You okay?" Casey asked when Kelly exited his quarters the next morning. Once again by some miracle no calls had come in during the night.

Kelly was quick to nod his head. "Yeah, fine. You?"

Casey looked tired but also looked like he'd at least slept, he just shrugged, "Alright."

Kelly stepped past him, then turned back and asked, "You mind if I come over tonight?"

Casey nodded. "Anytime."

* * *

Casey opened the door and saw Kelly standing on the other side.

"You said I could come over."

"I know, come on in," Casey gestured towards the living room.

Kelly took two steps in to the apartment, shut the door, and choked the air out of Casey in a tight bear hug.

"Kelly," Casey gasped.

"I'm trying to move past this...I'm trying...but I can't...I hate bothering you about it, but there's no one else I can talk to," Severide confessed.

Casey managed to get his arms loose from Kelly's bone crushing grip and slipped them around the Squad lieutenant's back in return. "It's okay, Kelly...really it is..."

Kelly shook his head. "I remember you laying in that hospital bed and how bad you looked...I can't go through that again, I can't stand _you_ going through it again and I don't want to be the cause of it."

"Kelly," Casey was shocked by this admission.

Severide was oblivious to the sound of his name, though he was faintly aware of Casey saying it a few times.

"Kelly," Casey said again, this time his voice more of a gasp. "Kelly, I can't breathe."

It was only then that Severide realized he was still holding onto Casey, and just how tightly he was.

"Sorry," he said as he let go of the blonde man.

Casey touched his ribs as he sucked in a pained inhale, and told him, "Kelly, I don't want you to think you can't talk to me, about this, about anything. We've been friends for 20 years now, that should count for something."

"I don't want to burden you with everything I'm going through," Kelly replied. "But I don't want to put you in the same position I did when Andy and Shay died...I don't want to push you away, but I don't want you to feel guilty for what's happening."

"Kelly," Casey was dumbstruck, "I wasn't trying to back you in a corner on this."

"I know...you feel guilty because you couldn't save Stella...I feel guilty because of what you had to go through with her...I don't know what the answer is," Kelly said.

Casey thought about it and shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe there isn't an answer...maybe you need to talk to someone else."

"Who?" Kelly asked.

"I don't suppose you'd consider seeing a therapist," Casey suggested.

Kelly shook his head. "Not interested."

"I don't blame you," Matt replied. "Kelly...I don't care how bad it is, you can tell me, alright?"

Severide looked at him and Casey could see the tears starting to build up. "I miss her, Casey...I think about her all the time, I thought by now that..."

It was easy to see Kelly was not as steady on his feet as he had been a few minutes earlier, Casey grabbed him before he fell and led him over to the couch and the two of them sat down, the next thing he was aware of was Severide's face pressed against the side of his neck as the Squad lieutenant broke down crying, his sobs whistling out through the gap between his front teeth.

Casey wrapped one arm over Kelly's shoulders and pressed his other hand against the back of Kelly's head and held him close.

"I know, Kelly...I know..."

* * *

Casey woke up on the couch with Kelly pressed against him in a dead sleep. He looked at the clock and saw it was 6 o' clock in the morning. He didn't remember what time they'd fallen asleep but he knew it had been over 6 hours.

"Kelly," Casey nudged him, "wake up, Kelly."

"Hmm?" Severide murmured as he slowly came around. "What's going on?"

"Sorry, Kelly, I need you to move," Casey said, "I've lost all feeling in my hip."

Kelly scooted over on the couch so Casey was able to sit up straighter and get the circulation going through his legs again.

"You feeling better?" Matt asked.

Kelly rubbed his eyes and shook his head, "Not really."

"Well, you know where to find me," Casey told him.

* * *

It was 10:30 at night and somebody was knocking on Casey's door. Almost automatically, he strode across the living room, undid the lock and asked, "What happened this time?"

"How'd you know it was me?" Kelly asked.

"You've been here every night off shift for the past week," Casey pointed out. "This one didn't work out either?"

Kelly shook his head as he stepped in. It had been three months since Stella died, and he was slowly getting back in the dating scene, but so far none of the women he'd gone out with had panned out and after every date flopped prematurely, he found himself coming to Casey's apartment, generally, Casey noted, sometime between 9:30 and 11:00 P.M., and spent the rest of the night in the company of his best friend. Casey wasn't exactly sure how to take the news he was taking second place to every woman for Severide's attention for the night, but he knew the state Kelly was currently in, he shouldn't be alone when his dates fell apart.

"What happened this time?" Casey repeated as they headed over to the couch.

"I don't know," Kelly admitted as he plopped down on the end cushion, "We got along great, and we were having a good time...then I just felt like an alarm was going off in my head to get the hell out of there...I don't know what's wrong with me."

Casey turned on the TV and looked for something to watch, he had a good idea based on every other night Severide turned up there after his date didn't work out, how they would be spending the rest of the night, and by now it was practically routine.

"Maybe you should just stop going out with women you meet on calls," Casey suggested teasingly. Kelly's response was a light elbow to the ribs.

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong," Kelly told him.

Casey looked at him and responded, "Not sure you came to the right person for advice on that one...otherwise I probably wouldn't be home at this time to talk to you." That got a small laugh out of Kelly. "I think you'll be fine...maybe you just need to stop trying so hard. Maybe if you _stop_ looking for the right woman to be with, you'll find her."

"Huh?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know," Casey got out a small chuckle, "like when you lose something, you tear the house apart looking for it, don't find it...stop looking for it, then you find it. Maybe you'll find the right woman when you stop trying to find her."

"I'm tired of being alone," Kelly said.

"You're not alone, I'm here," Casey told him.

"That's not what I mean...I love Stella, and I miss her like hell, but I know I have to get on with my life," Severide explained.

"I know," Casey replied. "I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to help."

Kelly looked at him through the corner of his eye and told him, "You haven't kicked me out yet...that's a start."

Casey looked at him and responded, "I could never kick you out."

* * *

Casey felt his head drooping onto his shoulder and opened his eyes, realizing he'd fallen asleep on the couch, waiting for Severide to show up once again. As Casey stretched and worked the kinks out of his back, he glanced at the clock.

12:30.

Well, he guessed that settled it. Severide wasn't coming over tonight.

Casey found the remote, turned the TV off and slowly stood up and stretched again, feeling something in his back pop. He couldn't offhand recall the name of the woman Kelly had gone out with tonight, but he was sure he'd get plenty of details from Severide on shift in the morning. He turned off the lights and headed towards the bedroom, but at the last minute he turned back around and faced the darkened apartment.

"I promised, Stella," he said distantly. "I promised you he wouldn't be alone...I kept _my_ promise."

It was obvious that Kelly didn't need him anymore. But Casey knew that wouldn't always be the case. Try as he might, Kelly Severide simply was not a man built for long term relationships. The day would come when something would happen and he'd be alone again...and when that day came, Casey would be right there to pick up where he left off. For now at least he could take some comfort in knowing that Kelly was finally moving forward with his life, a lesson that unfortunately they'd all had to learn both in their line of work, and in their own private lives. Casey turned back around, and went to bed.


End file.
